Chexas is the reason

Sometimes I am socially awkward but it comes off like im being an ass hole. Its my defense mechanism to be a dick when when I get anxious, it took me a long time to realize this about myself. I’m trying to work on that and I’m trying to face my fear of talking to strangers. I get nervous because I’m self continuous about how I look. I feel like people are judging me.

social anxiety leads to being a creep.

I judge myself pretty harshly. My self-esteem is kind of low. Its hard to talk to people with out feeling like I’m being judged.when I was growing up I got bullied for being fat, it’s ok to bully a fat kid. I was called fat and ugly by everyone I knew including my family growing up. So when everyone around you tells you something you believe it. It still effects me today, with trying to date and having no confidence. The first time a woman told me I was cute I said no Im not. I don’t have any reason to feel like this but its hard to snap out of it.

I cant tell when a girl is flirting with me. I assume that it just doesnt happen, so when it does happen its like I’m seeing the easter bunny , if someone told you ” the easter bunny is right behind you” you wouldnt believe them . when someone say ” That girl likes you” I dont believe them. It happens every blue moon a women might find me mildly attractive, she will kinda flirt with me but I won’t see it  because I think its an impossibility. I got out with a friend alot and sometimes a girl will flirt and I dont see it and she assumes Im just not into them. 

maybe one day ill figure out how to pick up on a girl flirting with me. 

maybe one day ill accept the fact that some women are crazy and find me attractive.  

Home is not always where you grew up. I never fit in growing up. I think I should have grew up back east I never felt more at home than the last few years I spent there . My friends are some pretty special people. Unfortunately I live half a world away from the people I love. Its only been 6 months since I saw them all but it feels like a lot more time than that. I want to thank my best friends for being there for me and putting up with my bullshit when I wasn’t sane, listened when complained about some girl I like and gave me advice. I learned to love myself because of you guys.